Erin Dahlgren

To People With Grey Hair

You might have grey hair. Maybe you have exactly one grey hair. Maybe your head looks like a dirty snowball.

Whatever transpires on top of your head or under your nose, answer this: do you consider yourself to be “normal”?

Members of “normal” must be baptized with Whole Foods bags which they carry to the gym. There is only one public sacrament: “Thou must act thou age”. There is no requirement on how often this sacrament should be practiced, but most practice daily.

If you find yourself identifying with this group, I humbly recommend a forced conversion to a little known religion called Gandalfism.

If you’ve never heard of Gandalfism, don’t worry, it is mostly unknown outside of New Zealand. Gandalfism, put simply, is the belief that grey hair leads to eternal bliss, here and in the afterlife. Meditative practices include not acting one’s age. For instance, slaying a giant dragon made of fire.

There is also strict observance of the holy holiday: “Day to Mesmerize People With My Grey Hair”. It occurs every day. Whole Foods bags are sacrilegious in Gandalfism.

Members of Gandalfism can be seen in public riding their motorcycle or bicycle or tricycle while letting their hair billow behind them.

There are three important factions of Gandalfism:

  • Conservative Gandalfism, where it is believed that the religious scripture comes from the divine mouth of J.R.R. Tolkien. Conservative Gandalfism is only for men and requires that “a white beard hung down below his waist” is followed by all members.

  • Liberal Gandalfism, where the scripture comes from the less divine mouth of Peter Jackson.

  • Who-Gives-An-F Gandalfism, where scripture is nonexistent and belief is reinforced by pictures on the Internet. There are no recorded hate crimes against this faction.

Whichever faction of Gandalfism suits you, remember that it’s not about Gandalf, it’s about you, your one grey hair, and your pipe … well, that’s up to you.

This project is maintained by edahlgren